As my mom and I sat in the airport waiting for our ride when we came back from South America this summer, she started telling me how clearly she remembers the day she arrived to this country. She said she remembers the times she got lost. The times she felt such relief when finding someone who spoke Spanish to help, and how tough it was the times she couldn’t find someone.
I asked her if she had to do it all over again if she would. Without any hesitation she said to me,
“Uy, claro que sÃ! Yo a este paÃs le vivo muy agradecida por que me dio a mis dos hijos y oportunidades que yo nunca hubiera podido tener en Honduras.â€
(Oh, of course! I am very grateful to this country, because it gave me my two children and has granted me opportunities I would’ve never had in Honduras.)
My mother is one of the most grateful people I know. Frankly, I sometimes think she’s grateful to a fault. She never forgets the favors people did for her during some of our most difficult times. Her life here has not been an easy one, life in general isn’t meant to be easy. But, it takes a certain level of badassery (not a confirmed word in the Oxford dictionary) to pack up your bags and move to a whole new country you’ve never even seen. Not to mention, leaving your country and family not knowing when you’ll return.
My mom is the ultimate American. She listens to the Star-Spangled banner carefully every time it plays. She likes watching shows like Family Feud bc she says they teach her new words in English. She LOVES Facebook and her iPhone. She’s full of hope. Hope granted to her by living in a place where if you work hard you can come from an impoverished country, not know the language, and raise two professionals. Hope is a gift my mother has never taken for granted. She is forever grateful to this country for granting her that hope.
This Thanksgiving we spent it apart. We have lots to be thankful for- my mom’s health, my new job, amazing friends along with a roof over our heads and food on our tables. My mom came from very little and is always reminding us to give thanks, no matter the occasion. To her you need to be thankful for everything from the bus driver who gets you home safely to the steady paycheck.
Maybe that’s why when it comes time for Thanksgiving if we can’t get together none of us feel all that terrible. When your family consists of three people every gathering is a family gathering. We know how lucky we are and even if we’re apart we know we’re not alone. We’re a formidable army of three who eat turkey weekly (lean meats, ya know?!). We look forward to the next time we see each other and figuring out what vacation we’ll take next.
We’re three people full of hope and for that we are grateful.
Boomer reinvention coach, John Tarnoff (Photo/Travis Price)
For the majority of his life, John Tarnoff says he “was all over the place.” Growing up in New York, he thought he wanted to be an architect, a journalist, a lawyer, until one summer he ended up working as a production assistant after his freshman year at Amherst College, and it captured his imagination.
In the 1990’s, he worked as a film studio executive and producer for MGM, Columbia, New Line and Warner Bros. He then transitioned to technology. Tarnoff co-founded a startup which used computer animation to make online avatars for customer service applications for clients such as Sprint.
“Coming out of that, I hit a wall – that’s where the reinvention comes in,” says Tarnoff.
Reinvention has been part of his brand ever since then. During the unstable economic times of the early 2000’s, Tarnoff decided to go back to school for a masters in spiritual psychology. He was 50.
Today, at 63, he is a professional development coach, a graduate professor at Carnegie Mellon, and in the process of writing a book called ‘Boomer Reinvention: How to Create Your Dream Career After 50,” coming out in 2016. He is also a speaker about issues facing generations and has more than 24K Twitter followers.
Tarnoff, who ended up dropping out of grad school, because he was eager to work, highly recommends going to school later in life.
“Older generations sometimes feel like they are too old, but it was better than going to school at 20,†says the coach and educator. “You are doing it for the right reasons. You are going because you know exactly what it is you want to do.â€
Why did he decide to study spiritual psychology?
“Because you learn to find the answers inside you,” he says. “It’s an approach of psychology that stresses personal responsibility and getting out of the blame game. I think we all need to get help and support, but the primary motivator in any direction in our personal life and careers needs to start deeply inside ourselves. What is it that we can do to make a difference?”
Tarnoff jokingly said in his 2012 TEDx Talk, that he’s had 18 jobs over 38 years – moving around every 2.1 years (from film production to education), and he’s been fired 39 percent of the time. But none of that time has been a waste. He says each of his jobs has only gotten better.
“My favorite job is the one I’m doing right now…I live a pretty virtual life,” says Tarnoff, about his typical day at his home base in Los Angeles. “I just got back from Atlanta speaking about how the world has changed since just 20 years ago. I’m back and forth from my home office and Carnegie Mellon office, always looking for places to write.”
He says writing his book and engaging with his students is really inspiring him right now.
“I love engaging with them each year with the launching of their careers in the entertainment business,” says Tarnoff. “They have so much energy and so much to offer. Then, I also work with people who are 30 to 40 years older. They’re at a stage which used to be the end of their career. Today, things are different. Not only are there economic differences, but spiritual issues – they are wanting to continue to live fulfilling lives and being engaged in the economy and society. I think for my generation, the idea of retiring and separating yourself is largely over. Even for people who have saved enough money, they don’t want to slow down or stop. You’re seeing more of these people engaged in encore careers and social entrepreneurship. I think that’s fantastic!”
He says one of the most common challenges his clients face is figuring out what they want, or should be, doing next.
“Many times, we figure out there are many things we are going to do and life is an evolution,†says Tarnoff. “I think this is particularly true for millennials. Businesses are changing too fast…Now the problem is how figuring out how can we contribute – how can we help someone out, help solve a problem? We can figure out what we’re good at by trying to help others out. I tell my grad students, all you have to offer is your willingness to learn and willingness to serve. Having a service mentality will lead you to discover what it is you’re good at.â€
What is one piece of important life advice that you would give your younger self with the wisdom you have now?
“Believe in yourself more. Particularly in those moments that you really want to just give up. In your deepest darkest moment, that’s when you have to double down and believe in yourself and take the leap of faith. ‘Leap and the net will appear,’†says Tarnoff. “I think young people are thinking, ‘I can’t do that. What if I make a mistake?’ You should be making mistakes regularly. Fail often, and fail big. When you’re older, you can still make mistakes and recover well. Life is all about lessons.â€
On July 27th, the company I now work for had told me they’d call me back shortly with a final offer. I was beyond excited. Moving back to NYC had been my dream for years. It was all finally happening.
As I waited for the phone call, I was in my kitchen cooking, and my brother called. I had him on speakerphone, and he told me to take him off, which I found odd. He proceeds to make small talk with me and then tells me we have to talk and I should sit. He then tells me, “Mom’s results came back positive…for cancer.â€
This all started a few months back when my mom starting showing ONE symptom. She’s good about going to the doctor – so she went and got some tests done. In the past, she had shown a similar symptom and everything came back normal, so I didn’t worry.
When my brother told me, I didn’t really know what to say besides, “Ok…†I work in a business where you deal with tragedy every day. If it’s not a mass shooting, it’s a natural disaster, or war. You learn to not let things sink in, because you don’t have time. You need to crank out a script, and inform everyone else. There’s NO time to feel.
My brother was very supportive and told me he was going to let me go, but if I needed anything to call him. He’s always the family rock. In serious situations, our (my mom and I) feelings come first. As a matter of fact, when my mom told him her diagnosis his response to her was:
“Hemos ganado peores batallas.â€
     “We’ve overcome worse battles.â€
I did ask him why he was the one telling me. He said my mom didn’t have the heart to tell me, so he told her he’d handle it. I hung up the phone and just sat there. I did what my instincts always tell me to do, call my best friend, Valerie. She was at work, and when she answers the phone the idea of saying the words made my voice crack.
“My mom has cancer.â€
After I hung up with her, I composed myself and called my mom. She told me she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, or endometrial adenocarcinoma. Your endometrium is the lining of your uterus. The symptom my mom had was something we women would’ve blamed hormones for, except at her age it’s not.
My next concern was the fact she was heading home to an empty house. When I told her, she said she had already called my other best friend, Ignacio, who’s like a younger brother, to go to the house. I called him to give him the heads up. He knew she had been getting tests done and had even taken her to one of them. He was a God send that day, more than others, because when my mom pulled up to the house, he was already there. Thankfully, my brother was scheduled for a work trip and was arriving to Miami the next day.
Of course, during all of this, HR calls and I get my final offer. It’s honestly comical. I didn’t tell them anything at the moment, but I did know the person who was going to be my new boss. I called her and told her. Again, I got nothing short of support and compassion. I was even given the option to work from the Miami offices if need be. Later on, I did tell my new company, and they allowed me to start at a later date to be with my mom.
In the next three days, I quit my job, sold all my stuff, packed up my car and moved from Atlanta to Miami. My mom’s doctors had moved quickly, so her surgery was scheduled for Monday, August 3rd. She was going to have a radical hysterectomy.
I had no time to break down and cry, or process. I had to GO. But, had I wanted to, it wouldn’t have happened. My support system in Atlanta was so out of this world that had I tried to collapse, everyone would’ve held me up. Friends who helped me pack, who gave me a “mom†hug when I needed one, who took whatever stress they could off my plate, a friend from Orlando even flew up so I wouldn’t drive down alone. I was humbled.
I called it the “passing of the baton.†The day she got diagnosed, Ignacio carried the baton until my brother arrived Tuesday. He could only stay until the day before the surgery which is exactly when I arrived to take the baton to the finish line.
That Sunday, we had brunch together at our favorite Irish pub. All was normal. My mom was strong. Her faith is something that should be examined by NASA, because it’s out of this world. All three of us had an “Alright, let’s do this,†attitude.
Surgery day came, and again, we were surrounded with support. My best friend, Valerie, took the day off of work. My cousin’s mom, and his aunt, along with our other cousin, also came to the hospital. You know, you’re not really Latino unless you have an overabundance of people and volume at these things.
Surgery lasted three hours. When the oncologist came out, he gave us the good news. It looked like her surrounding organs were untouched. It was a tough first week of recovery, but my mom did what she always does, she kicked ridiculous ass.
A week and a half later, her pathology results were in. We got more good news – no further treatment needed. No chemo. No radiation. She even got the ok to fly so I could bring her with me to NYC to finish recovering. Hell, the doctor even said she could have a margarita! Naturally, we celebrated.
We were so lucky. We ARE so lucky. I don’t even feel like I could ever complain about this speed bump life gave us. I don’t even know if it’s right to call it a speed bump! My mom got diagnosed and cured in a week. Are we forever impacted? Yes. Did we get the good end of the bargain? Absolutely.
My mom later told me that when the doctor gave her the diagnosis, she didn’t believe him. Then, she said she had a flashback and saw my brother and I when we were small. Even then, she never shed a single tear. She said she knew God was testing her, and he’d get her through. Trust me, I know how unbelievable it is.
Belgica calling her son on the day she was told no further treatment was required.
I learned so many things from this experience with my mom. First and foremost, I was reassured and blown away by the rock solid strength my mother has. I’m also glad she’s diligent about going to the doctor. It is SO important! Early detection makes all the difference.
Secondly, my friends. From the support system in Atlanta, to the my support system in Orlando during my pit stop, to my family (blood and non-blood) in Miami. The friends who showed up to the hospital after working all day. The ones who brought us food. The ones who called. My always dependable “Faithful Four.†My former and current employers. Those who offered to help carry the baton if I had to move to NYC and my mom needed more treatment. All pride in your independence goes out the window in these scenarios, and it was good to know I have an army behind me.
Most importantly, I learned cancer doesn’t always mean death, but it does mean caution. I hesitated to write about this, because we all kept it personal for a bit. I’m not trying to get on a soapbox, but if you take anything away from this incredibly long post, it’s if your gut tells you something is wrong, go to the doctor! Exhaust all possibilities. That’s what my mom did. That’s why she’s still here.
Trinidadian Grandma Louisa making hot sauce while Caroline wears goggles to protect her from the pepper’s heat!
Grandma Louisa’s hot sauce is pure fire. And I like to say, if you need protective gear to cook, then count me in. It must be extraordinary. And it is. This hot sauce contains 135 (!!!) Scotch bonnets, four types of peppers, exotic fruits like pickled mangoes and gooseberries, and some other weird little ingredients that I never saw coming. And to bring this special hot sauce from Trinidad and Tobago to Caribbean, Brooklyn, Grandma Louisa had to undergo a whole lot of hardships that life threw her way. Watch this episode, and learn something delicious from Granny!
Caroline Shin is a multimedia journalist based in NYC. Recently, she launched “Cooking With Granny†– a Web series in which grandmas teach how to cook traditional dishes from their cultures while simultaneously sharing their funny, sad and surprising experiences with immigration and multiculturalism in a world that’s very different from today’s. Shin was previously a video editor at New York Magazine and holds an M.A. from Columbia Journalism School.
Audrey and Frank Peterman on their boat “Limitless.” (Courtesy Audrey Peterman)
Audrey Peterman grew up on the lush island of Jamaica where she says there was often no choice between outdoors and indoors. She was always at home in wildlife.
“We bathed in the river,†she recollects. “We went to the woods to collect firewood. We went to the fields to get green bananas and potatoes. I was very much into nature.â€
Little did she know however, that at 64, she’d be living on a sailboat, with her husband Frank, off a marina in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and be a U.S. national park expert – having visited a total of 171 around the country. It’s been 20 years since she and Frank started their own business, Earthwise Productions – inspiring hundreds of thousands to discover and support our national parks. In 2012, she wrote “Our True Nature,†the first travel guide to the national parks written by an African American woman.
Peterman moved to New York at 28 to join her mother in 1979. Six years later, after moving to Fort Lauderdale, to escape the cold winters of NYC, she met Frank.
“We became instant best friends,†she says in her gregarious manner. “He was so exciting as a writer and a person, I tried to set him up with all of my girlfriends, and it was a disaster. It’s not often that you have a great male friend. We did get together, several years later. It’s been 23 years now that we’ve been married.â€
She says their entire married life has included a close relationship with nature.
“When Frank and I got married, we’d go for our morning walks,†says Peterman. “Not only would he identify the birds that he saw, but also the birds that he heard. Now I can tell by the call too, but I never thought it was possible to do that. We are very attune to the outdoors.â€
Peterman says it wasn’t until 1995 when they decided to drive around the country and see America. They were about to open a bed and breakfast in Belize, but while Frank was having a drink there before flying home, a local asked him about the Badlands and the Grand Canyon, and Frank said he’d never been.
“The gentleman said, ‘What? What kind of American are you?’,†recalls Peterman. “Frank said, ‘We cannot go to Belize if we do not know our own country.’ So we decided to take two months off to travel. We bought a Ford truck. We drove from the Atlantic to the Pacific – Yellowstone to Yosemite, and we didn’t see any blacks or Hispanics…We thought, ‘How is this possible?’ We decided that we would make a change. A lot of friends didn’t know of these places.†Â
She says seeing so many beautiful places they did not know about encouraged them to start their own company to bring information about our national forests to other people who didn’t know.
“The French philosopher, Albert Camus, once said, ‘All a man’s life consists of the search for those few special images in the presence of which his soul first opened.’ That’s what I’m all about,†says Peterman. “From the first moment I saw my first national park – Acadia in Maine – my soul opened so extensively like I was looking into the face of God…When I had that feeling, I wanted to share that with everybody. What it feels like to feel so small, and yet you’re safe. I experience it over, and over, and over, again. That’s why I can’t stop. I didn’t choose my mission, my mission chose me.â€
Peterman says they’re busier than ever now, because now they have to travel the country speaking about climate change,†says Peterman. “At this point, it’s all hands on deck. It’s affecting us right now.â€
What is the most important piece of life advice that she would give her younger self at her age now?
“I would say keep a more open mind and not to jump to conclusions so readily,†she says. “I think that when we’re younger we see something as it is, but there could be so many reasons it appears that way, but it’s not so at all. Because you think it, doesn’t make it so. There could be another interpretation. Especially something that hurts you – don’t assume that that’s what it is. Even now at 64, I find that as much as I’m striving not to do it, it really takes work not to jump to conclusions.â€
Victoria Moll-Ramirez is a broadcast journalist based in New York City. She is originally from Miami, FL and had the great fortune of being raised by the sassiest, spunkiest, wisest, most hysterical Honduran woman in the world. Victoria’s mother, Bélgica, is 60-years-old, resides in Little Havana (Miami) and enjoys a good margarita accompanied by a heartrending ranchera. Victoria blogs about her mom’s funny and wise sayings on, “In My Mother’s Words.â€
